In relationship research, there’s a concept known as “turning points.” These are moments when bonds change, either for better or worse—perhaps because of shifting life circumstances or something more dramatic, like a fight or reunion.
Long-term friendships often involve multiple turning points, studies show. “Friendships have a lot of different trajectories,” says Jeffrey Hall, director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas. “They can go up, they can go down, they can plateau.”
[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]
Sometimes, if a relationship has cratered, one person has to actively initiate a turning point to revive it. How to do that, of course, depends on why your friendship suffered in the first place. Did you drift away from a childhood friend once adulthood hit, or are you trying to repair the damage after a friend breakup or betrayal?
No matter the circumstances, experts say it is often possible to get your friendship back on track. Here’s where to start.
If you simply lost touch
First, get out of your own head. People tend to resist contacting old friends, even if they want to, because it feels as awkward as talking to a stranger, one 2024 study suggests. Other research hints that we don’t get in touch because we consistently underestimate how much people appreciate our outreach.
But the truth is, people typically respond well to hearing from an old friend, perhaps even more so when the interaction is unexpected, says Miriam Kirmayer, a Montreal-based clinical psychologist who specializes in adult friendship. Sending that text may feel uncomfortable, but “it’s an opportunity to make someone’s day,” she says.
That said, your overture is more likely to be successful if there’s a reason behind it. The reason may be obvious—you just moved to their city and want to catch up—or you may have to create one, Kirmayer says. “It can be something as simple and earnest as saying, ‘I’m not sure why after all this time you’re on my mind…but I have to let you know [something] reminded me of you,'” she says. The idea is just to make it clear why you’ve decided to reach out, so they’re not befuddled by an out-of-the-blue message and left wondering what you want.
Kirmayer recommends starting with a baby step, like a text or a message on social media, so you can feel out the vibe and let the relationship progress organically. But if you’re serious about becoming friends again (and if geography allows), it’s important to eventually progress to in-person friend dates, says Jessica Ayers, an assistant professor of psychological science at Boise State University who studies friendship.
“Doing things in person, having that eye contact, and being able to disclose things” face-to-face will make it easier to get to know each other again and signal that you’re serious about reconnecting, she says.
Once you’ve done the hardest part—making the first move—consistency is key to preventing the renewed relationship from fizzling out, Hall says. If you live in the same place, you could set a standing lunch date. Or, if you don’t, perhaps it’s a recurring virtual hangout. Hall, for example, schedules a monthly phone call with the friend who was the best man in his wedding; sometimes they talk for 15 minutes and other times they talk for hours, but they always make it happen.
Finally, try to bring your connection into the present, rather than leaning solely on nostalgia, Kirmayer says. Make a point of asking about their current interests and hobbies, or perhaps even try to find new ones together.
If you had a friendship breakup (and you caused it)
If you decided to end a friendship, or behaved in a way that caused a friend breakup, reopening that book will take some humility on your part.
If you need to apologize and haven’t yet, that’s the place to start—assuming your former friend is open to hearing it, Ayers says. You could start by sending them a message along the lines of, “‘I’d like to reconnect. I know I owe you an apology. Is there a path forward for doing this?’” Ayers suggests. It may feel easier to “steamroll through” straight into the apology, but it’s probably kinder to allow the other person time to decide how much, if any, interaction they’d like to have with you, she says.
And hard as it is, you have to be willing to accept any outcome, Hall says. “Genuine and meaningful apologies come with no expectation,” he says. “If they don’t even want to respond, that’s their decision. If you’re in the wrong, you have to own it—and owning it means you don’t get to push them to do anything.”
But if your initial apology goes well and your friend agrees to try again, resist the temptation to continually grovel moving forward, Kirmayer says. Constantly apologizing can feel insincere and even manipulative, like you’re trying to guilt-trip your friend into forgiving you and returning to how things were.
Rather than over-apologize, “you have to show that you’ve changed” with your behavior, Ayers says. “That is hard and it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy,” but it’s the best way to prove you’re ready to recommit to the relationship.
If you had a friendship breakup (and they caused it)
Before revisiting an old relationship, it’s a good idea to first figure out why you feel compelled to do so, Ayers says. That may be particularly important if you’re contacting someone who previously hurt or rejected you. Do you simply want closure or an apology, or are you really interested in trying to be friends again? Being explicit about what you want from a reconnection helps set the stage for both of you, Kirmayer says.
But, again, remember that you can’t force anyone to be your friend—even if you feel like the one who was previously wronged. If someone decided to cut off the relationship, or acted in a way that damaged it, they may not be interested in returning to it, even if you are.
That’s particularly likely if clashing traits were at play in the original breakup, Ayers says. She researched “friendship deal-breakers” in graduate school and found that it’s usually easier for people to address situational problems, like one person being too busy for the other, than inherent trait differences. If your friend stopped talking to you because they didn’t like your sense of humor, the situation isn’t likely to change unless your jokes have.
If you and your friend give it another go and you find yourself struggling to move on from your past hurt, you have a few options. You could try to talk it through, either on your own or by visiting a therapist together. (There aren’t many clinicians who explicitly offer friendship therapy, Kirmayer says, but some who provide marriage or family therapy may be willing to work with friends.) You could accept that your friendship may never be as strong as it once was, but perhaps can exist in a specific context—maybe you’re no longer close confidants, but you enjoy going to yoga together. Or, you could make an explicit agreement not to talk about your past conflict in hopes of moving past it, Kirmayer says.
Doing so may feel like you’re avoiding the elephant in the room. But there’s a difference between ignoring a difficult topic and coming to a mutual decision to put it to the side, Kirmayer says. “It’s a boundary,” she says, and one that may help you focus less on your past, and more on your future.
